![]() He burned bridges with my friends and family, and I found myself justifying his actions in an attempt to keep the peace. I didn’t believe them because he had convinced me that I deserved to be treated poorly. Many times my friends and family would tell me to leave him and would try and show me how his behavior was hurting me, but I wasn’t ready to see it. I would bring this up with him, and he would play the victim and tell me that they didn’t have the right to an apology because of what they said or did to him. I did so much work preparing for social gatherings in the hopes of hosting a fun evening with my friends, but it always ended the same way: with my husband being the center of attention and impeding others from talking and connecting.Īfter these events my friends would often feel hurt about something he said or did. I was tolerant of this behavior because I grew up in an abusive home, so verbal abuse felt normal. When I brought this up with him, he would tell me that I was boring. When I was firm about the fact that I would not tolerate this behavior, he went out of his way to ensure that I felt invisible. He would justify his actions by saying he thought people would find it funny, even though he was insulting me. In social situations he would demean me and make fun of me, and then call me too sensitive and ask me why I couldn’t take a joke. When I would bring this up as a concern, he would state that he knew how I would respond because I’m a liberal, and they always respond like X or think like Y. I continued to support and listen to everything he had to say, although he rarely reciprocated. He even managed to convince our marriage counselor of this. ![]() This explained why he lacked empathy and why he behaved the way he did, didn’t it? When I brought this up with him, he got angry and convinced me that I was the problem in our relationship. I continued to love and support him despite how he treated me.Īs years passed I began to think that he had Asperger’s. I convinced myself that he would get to a place in his life where he would have space for me. His lack of empathy was a concern, but he told me that this is how people in his culture are, and I believed him. I humored him by listening to him talk, I tried to help boost his self-esteem by giving him compliments and asking him questions I already knew the answer to, and I expressed pride in his accomplishments. I believed he would become surer of himself and would develop the capacity to listen, love, and be empathetic. I believed that he would grow out of his need to be the center of attention, receive constant validation, and appear correct and knowledgeable about everything. When I first met my husband, when he had just started medical school at a large university, I thought he was just insecure. When silence is so very inviting, they step forward and share their truth so others know they aren’t alone.” ~ Jeanne McElvaney, Healing Insights: Effects of Abuse for Adults Abused as Children “You can recognize survivors of abuse by their courage.
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